2016-08-13 18:35:19
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Don’t say:“You were too good for him.”
Why:You are basically saying she has bad taste. And you’ll be embarrassed if they ever patch it up.
Instead say:“His loss!” It gets the same point across without disparaging her judgment.
不要說： “他配不上你。”
因為： 這麼說就意味著你覺得她的品味很差。要是他倆又復合瞭，你就丟臉瞭。
換句話：“這是他的損失。”這句話的效果是一樣的，但又沒有鄙視她的選擇的意思。
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Don’t say:“I’m glad you got rid of him. I never liked him anyway.”
Why:She’ll wonder about your fake adoration for him while they were together.
Instead say:“I’m confident you’ll find someone who will give you exactly what you want.” It focuses on what’s to come, not on the dud you’re glad she’s done with.
不要說： “你能甩瞭他我太高興瞭。我本來就不喜歡他。”
因為： 她會覺得之前他倆還在一起時你的善意很虛偽。
換句話： “你肯定能找到一個完全符合你要求的男人。”這句話的重點是未來，而且很支持她這樣做。
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Don’t say:“How could someone as perfect as you still be single?”
Why:A statement like this comes off as a backhanded compliment. What she hears is “What’s wrong with you?”
Instead say:“Seeing anyone?” If she’s tight-lipped about her love life, move on to other topics.
不要說： “你條件這麼好，怎麼還會單身啊？”
因為： 像這樣的贊美聽起來有點諷刺的感覺。她可能會聽成“你到底有什麼問題？”
換句話： “最近有目標嗎？”要是她對感情生活諱莫如深，就談別的吧。
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Expert:Bethany Marshall, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Beverly Hills and the author of Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away(Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $23,amazon.com).
專傢：Bethany Marshall博士，比福利山地區的心理理療師，著有《忍無可忍：何時修補裂痕，何時慧劍斬情》。
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Don’t say:“You always” or “You never” or “You’re a [slob, jerk]” or “You’re wrong.”
Why:Speaking in absolutes like “you always” and “you’re wrong” is playing the blame game, and resorting to name calling makes your partner feel helpless, which puts him on the defensive and makes a bad fight worse.
Instead say:“I’m upset that you left the dishes in the sink again. What can we do so that this stops happening?” Starting with the pronoun I puts the focus on how you feel, not why he’s in the doghouse, and it will make him more receptive to fixing the problem.
不要說： “你總是……”“你從來都不會……”“你這個[沒出息的，混蛋……]”或者“你就是錯瞭。”
因為： 斬釘截鐵地說“你總是”或者“你就是錯瞭”這樣的話是在說他都是錯而你都是對，而惡語相向則會讓對方覺得非常無助，他會馬上轉為自我防禦，這會讓一場已經很糟的爭吵更加糟糕。
換句話： “我不高興是因為你又把臟盤子放水池不管瞭。到底怎麼樣才能讓你改瞭這個壞毛病呢？”用“我”字開始，將重點放在你自己的感受上，而不是為瞭讓他丟臉，這樣他會更加願意接受意見，解決問題。
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Don’t say:“If you really loved me, you would...”
Why:The more you treat your partner as if he’ll never satisfy you, the less satisfied you’ll be. Controlling your partner by imploring him to do something isn’t a good way to build intimacy.
Instead say:“I feel taken for granted when you don’t help around the house. I would feel better if we could…” The best way to keep a productive fight from becoming a dirty one is to be clear about why you’re upset and then offer a solution.
不要說： “要是你真的愛我，你就該……”
因為： 你越表現地好像他永遠不能滿足你，你就越不可能被滿足。用威脅哀求讓對方做你想讓他做的，這種控制對方的方法並不能鞏固兩人的親密關系。
換句話： “你不幫忙傢務這讓我覺得很不被重視。要是我們能……我就會好受多瞭。”要想保證爭執是有建設性的而不是一團糟，最好的辦法是直截瞭當地說明你為什麼不高興，然後提供一個解決方案。
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Expert:Terrence Real, a family therapist in Newton, Massachusetts.
專傢：Terrence Real，麻省傢庭咨詢師。